Last September my husband and I found out we were expecting our first baby. We (especially me) were so excited. We had tried for a year and a half for a baby but no results until then. In fact, a baby was something I had been praying for. We had names picked out and we were eagerly awaiting my Dr.’s appointment, when we would get to see the heartbeat and later find out if our baby was a boy or a girl.
My doctor appointment came but there was no heartbeat. Two days later, I lost the baby that I had prayed for. My husband had the attitude, "Oh well, the sky is still blue," and kept on smiling. He didn’t seem upset at all. It made me wonder if he even wanted the baby. His own family didn’t seem to care. A family member told me after the loss that I hadn’t felt movement at all and that all I felt was the dead corpse floating around.
This even changed me in a way that even I would not have expected. Since the loss, I have not been to church. I had to endure the pats on the shoulder telling me that, "It’s not your time yet," when trying and I had to sit through it again. If it wasn’t my time, then why was I pregnant with the baby I had prayed for? I don’t believe in prayer anymore. I now believe it is overrated and unless you are being absolutely perfect when it comes to the relationship with God, then your prayers won’t be heard. I also don’t believe that this was a test of my faith. If God is all knowing then clearly he would know how one is to react to something like this. And if he knows how someone would react then don’t you think it was a very unwise decision to allow it to happen to them in the first place?
Even now I have nightmares every night. I dream that my baby is crying and when I go to take care of him, I can’t find him. I look everywhere but I can’t find my baby. I have even woken up my husband asking him to help me find our baby. I have dreamed that my baby was beautiful and healthy. I would wake up deciding how my baby and I are going to spend the day and I realize that there is no baby.
This is the cruelest thing that God has ever allowed to happen to me. No, it hasn’t brought me closer. It has made me question how the god that I have worshiped and trusted for years could be the loving god I believed him to be. I lost my father [as a young girl], my mother put her boyfriend over my needs and I was left to fend for myself as a teen (I still lived with her), my first husband was emotionally abusive and started to get physically abusive, and now this. Apparently God has his favorites list and I am not on it. I guess this is his way of telling me to quit trying because I will never be on it.
I don’t know if you have an article on coping with a miscarriage (I checked before writing this) but if you feel compelled to write one, many women would be grateful.
Your anger is based on the assumption that you know better than God what is best. Your child is now in the presence of God beholding the face of the Father (Matthew 18:10). “It is not the will of your Father which is in heaven, that one of these little ones should perish (Matthew 18:14). Your child will appear again in the Millennium as a child to be raised by someone—possibly you—to maturity, and so make a choice concerning the Savior. In reference to the Millennium the Bible says, “And the streets of the city shall be full of boys and girls playing in the streets thereof’’ (Zechariah 8:5). One of those playing children is your little one. Jesus held your child before your did. Are you angry at him for drawing this little one to himself? He said, “Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God” (Mark 10:14).
Are you thinking about what is best for your child, or what you think is best for yourself? Do you know that this little one would be born whole to live a normal life? Do you know that he/she would not suffer from a chronic disease? Do you know that you child would have grown up to honor God and life a fruitful life? If your child was not going to be saved, would you still want him/her to come into the world and live such a short time just to spend eternity in hell? How can you be so sure that you know what is best? Like Job you need to be humbled and face the fact that your world has revolved around you. It is time you resigned as chairman of the universe and leave it to God to do a little “baby sitting” until you get there to take over for him. I am sure your baby is in the best of hands.
(Also read Debi’s article, “Seeing Through a Glass Darkly”)
- Michael Pearl
I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth. 3 John 4
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This year alone I have lost 3. I come back every time and just read Mr. Pearl's answer. Those verses help bring me peace every time. Thank you for your words of wisdom.