Dear Mrs. Pearl,
Greetings in the name of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. I want to say thank you for your magazine. I look forward to it.
I have a question. I am struggling to make God-honoring decisions while still being submissive to my husband. He wants to send our son and two daughters to public school. This scares me as I remember just how evil it is. And now he tells me he wants me to enroll in college and get a degree so I can have something meaningful in my life. This hurts me because as a pastor in training he should be encouraging women to be keepers at home. Why?
How can any of this be of God? How do I submit to my husband’s desires and still follow God?
—A Mrs.
Consider what your husband’s motivation might be. Let’s assume that he wants what is best for both you and the children. He wants you to grow and be productive, and he wants the children to be well educated. For instance, your husband might see that you are not doing any schooling with your three- and four-year-olds. He notices that your time is maxed out by housework and chores that have no long term value. Does he have reason to think you will be stressed or incapable if you try to do more? If this is the case, he may need to see you growing and the children learning before he can commit his children to homeschooling.
A committed homeschool mom starts playing homeschool when her child is not yet two years old. By the time the child is four years old he should know or be in the process of learning the colors. He should be learning to count to 20, sounding out words, and be learning strange and exciting science facts. The four-year-old should be able to look adults in the eye and discuss the wonderful new things he is learning. Daddy will look on in wonder and delight, both at how smart his child is and at how industrious his wife is. The husband appreciates his wife’s ability and has confidence that her enthusiasm will carry her through to success.
The same thing applies for going back to college. If a man is learning and growing and he sees that his wife is just coasting along, a loving husband will want to help motivate his wife so she can keep pace with him.
No man wants a wife that spends her days on the couch watching soap operas or reading romance novels. A wife who is a phone chatter, web-surfer, or text message gossiper is really a loser. These behaviors sap a man’s hopes and dreams.
A man knows that his smart, hard-working, industrious wife reflects well on him, and she brings a lot to the marriage. Regardless of what kind of man he is, a husband will find great satisfaction in the fact that his wife is self-motivated and hard-working.
God gave us a thorough description of how a virtuous woman spends her days. Check to see if you fit the profile. Contrary to what I (or others) might think, this chapter, devoted to describing a godly woman, doesn’t represent this super-lady as a prayer warrior or a teacher of great Biblical truths. The woman described in Proverbs 31:10–31 is a successful, hard-working and industrious businesswoman. She sews and weaves, then sells her wares. She travels long distances to find good deals. She buys land and plants orchards. She has a staff of workers which she trains well. In all this activity she still makes time to help the needy. This active businesswoman is resourceful and aggressive. In verse 23 her success brings her husband recognition. “Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.” Verse 28 tells how her children respond to their mother: “Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.”
So what can a woman do if her husband wants her to send their children to public school and go to college? She can become a Proverbs 31 wife. She can study, learn, grow, and become successful. She can win his confidence in her as a teacher of his children. In all my 40 years of ministering to families, I have never seen a husband (no matter how stiff-necked and against homeschooling) who didn’t respond with thanksgiving when his wife became a Proverbs 31 woman.
A woman might complain that her husband is lazy, fleshly, and all manner of negative things. I can’t guarantee the wife of the lazy husband that he will change in response to her renewal. However, almost all men want what is best for their families, so a man will respond positively to his wife’s wishes if she proves to be an able partner in his designs for the family.
The question is this: Are you willing to rise to the challenge?
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I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth. 3 John 4
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Mrs. Pearl, this was a helpful article. Thank you very much.
Mrs. Pearl, this was a helpful article. Thank you very much.
Mrs. Pearl,
Thank you, what an encouragement.
I live in a small town in WNC and attend a family oriented church where I grew up. But I am probably one of the very few women at my church who don't Facebook, text and gossip the day away, and yet they act as if I were the loser for not doing just as they do. The truly sad part is that the majority of these women are my "elders", some even pushing 65! What has happened to the elder women teaching the younger women to be keepers at home?
Mrs. Pearl,
Thank you, what an encouragement.
I live in a small town in WNC and attend a family oriented church where I grew up. But I am probably one of the very few women at my church who don't Facebook, text and gossip the day away, and yet they act as if I were the loser for not doing just as they do. The truly sad part is that the majority of these women are my "elders", some even pushing 65! What has happened to the elder women teaching the younger women to be keepers at home?
I didn't know how to use the "rating bar" so I would have liked to rate this a perfect 5 but it came out a 4.8. SORRY!! I'll get it right next time. I am always SO encouraged and provoked to holiness when I read your articles. Praise the Lord!
I didn't know how to use the "rating bar" so I would have liked to rate this a perfect 5 but it came out a 4.8. SORRY!! I'll get it right next time. I am always SO encouraged and provoked to holiness when I read your articles. Praise the Lord!
I do like of some of what you say, but I disagree on some. I am a mom of 5, and I HS as well. My husband did not want me to originally HS. I can't remember how you worded it, but I relate to you saying when the husband sees us wives are maxed out that the husband tends to think to make things better. We agreed that I would try hsing and here I am with my 12 yr. old, and am still at it. I don't agree that kids need to know letters, or colors by a certain age. My 6 yr. old was not ready per say for school until after Christmas, and he is soon to be 7. He is getting there, but I know he is more behind than my older kids were at this age. Every child is different. So if that is the reason for her not to HS then I disagree. Also, to think she is on the couch watching soaps all day or not doing anything is a thought, but certainly not a fact. We don't know what this mom's busy or non-busy schedule looks like. I guess that is hard personally as well. I don't stop all day, and I have friends that assume, because I'm home all day to say to me oh yeah that's right you have all day to do this or that. I do wish so... I think this mom can make things work. I know with my husband he just had no clue if HS would work at the time. He still mentions to me to put the kids in school "to give me a break." For me that would be selfish. Things are working for us, and to put them in school would be saddening for my family. I understand HS doesn't work for each family. It certainly is becoming more popular though. Thanks for letting me comment.
I do like of some of what you say, but I disagree on some. I am a mom of 5, and I HS as well. My husband did not want me to originally HS. I can't remember how you worded it, but I relate to you saying when the husband sees us wives are maxed out that the husband tends to think to make things better. We agreed that I would try hsing and here I am with my 12 yr. old, and am still at it. I don't agree that kids need to know letters, or colors by a certain age. My 6 yr. old was not ready per say for school until after Christmas, and he is soon to be 7. He is getting there, but I know he is more behind than my older kids were at this age. Every child is different. So if that is the reason for her not to HS then I disagree. Also, to think she is on the couch watching soaps all day or not doing anything is a thought, but certainly not a fact. We don't know what this mom's busy or non-busy schedule looks like. I guess that is hard personally as well. I don't stop all day, and I have friends that assume, because I'm home all day to say to me oh yeah that's right you have all day to do this or that. I do wish so... I think this mom can make things work. I know with my husband he just had no clue if HS would work at the time. He still mentions to me to put the kids in school "to give me a break." For me that would be selfish. Things are working for us, and to put them in school would be saddening for my family. I understand HS doesn't work for each family. It certainly is becoming more popular though. Thanks for letting me comment.
I appreciated the encouragement to be industrious and worthy of the affection our husbands give us,but I do not think the real question was answered.I am very curious how the Pearls feel about a husband asking a wife to do things for their family (i.e. send the children go public school) that go against her convictions?I think that there are many 'moms' out there who have discovered the Pearls and who try to implicate their wisdom in everyday life,while their husbands may not be on the proverbial band wagon.In such a case,what do the Pearls suggest a wife do?I have to say that I think there are many home schooling mothers who would benefit from going to college.This husband may be taking into consideration that a few years of studying now could save both wife and children in the future should something happen to him,and she be forced to become the bread winner.Anyone have any thoughts?
I appreciated the encouragement to be industrious and worthy of the affection our husbands give us,but I do not think the real question was answered.I am very curious how the Pearls feel about a husband asking a wife to do things for their family (i.e. send the children go public school) that go against her convictions?I think that there are many 'moms' out there who have discovered the Pearls and who try to implicate their wisdom in everyday life,while their husbands may not be on the proverbial band wagon.In such a case,what do the Pearls suggest a wife do?I have to say that I think there are many home schooling mothers who would benefit from going to college.This husband may be taking into consideration that a few years of studying now could save both wife and children in the future should something happen to him,and she be forced to become the bread winner.Anyone have any thoughts?
I have to say that this has certainly proved true in my situation. Before we had children and while my eldest was a baby, my man was not interested in homeschooling. But I have diligently educated my babies since they were born. Every part of life is a learning experience. My boys are 3 and 4 and are well beyond their age level in common academics such as reading, counting, and writing. Our main "homeschool" focus is learning the Bible and character, then comes the other stuff. We want our little ones to grow up ready to work and love others every day. Academics must be in their rightful place in our lives. That said, "school" at home has become so fruitful and fun that my husband regularly takes over teaching moments and is very proud of the kid's progress. We actually never had a conversation about school, now that it is here. It was so natural that his original thoughts about homeschool haven't even come up. We became a homeschooling family without even having to discuss it! Sometimes I can't even believe how easy it has been to convince him. I expected to have to defend my desires, but he is so pleased with me and the kid's lives at home that it never even came up! God is faithful.
I have to say that this has certainly proved true in my situation. Before we had children and while my eldest was a baby, my man was not interested in homeschooling. But I have diligently educated my babies since they were born. Every part of life is a learning experience. My boys are 3 and 4 and are well beyond their age level in common academics such as reading, counting, and writing. Our main "homeschool" focus is learning the Bible and character, then comes the other stuff. We want our little ones to grow up ready to work and love others every day. Academics must be in their rightful place in our lives. That said, "school" at home has become so fruitful and fun that my husband regularly takes over teaching moments and is very proud of the kid's progress. We actually never had a conversation about school, now that it is here. It was so natural that his original thoughts about homeschool haven't even come up. We became a homeschooling family without even having to discuss it! Sometimes I can't even believe how easy it has been to convince him. I expected to have to defend my desires, but he is so pleased with me and the kid's lives at home that it never even came up! God is faithful.
I am not sure about this case but I also have seen men who are peer pressured by other men into changing their views on homeschooling. My first husband, before he left, was like that. He wanted our son in school because men he worked with told him it was crazy and the child would never be socialized.
Good advice! Originally, my husband was against homeschooling as well. He feared I would become overwhelmed and frustrated. However, when I explained how important it was to me, he consented to a trial year, and now, only a few months into kindergarten, he is converted already! Sometimes just a frank discussion and a strong effort can convert a husband who is initially against home education. As far as a husband desiring a wife to get a degree, I think there is another point to consider. I started college my first year of marriage (at 19). It was very important to my husband that I obtain my bachelor's degree because he feared I would be unable to provide for myself and our children should something tragic happen to him. He wanted me to be able to live if he should die or suffer a debilitating injury. If your husband is planning to be a preacher - a position with little financial security or benefits - this maybe his one and only motivation for encouraging you towards further education. I was able to go to school AND keep our daughters at home due to sharing childcare duties with another stay at home mom and having my husband and family's support. Now, I am a graduate student, completing my MA online, while also home schooling. It is difficult to juggle, but it is rewarding. I would encourage - A Mrs. to talk frankly to her husband regarding these matters, with an open heart and open ears. Perhaps there is more to her husband's requests than she may realize; communication could solve everything.
Hola cómo está?mi nombre es Onelquis y quería saber si tienen libros en el idioma español,muchas gracias.
¡Hola! Sí, nuestros libros en español están disponibles en este enlace: https://nogreaterjoy.org/shop/foreign/espanol
Occasionally a husband has some other kind of pressure, such as family members who are highly educated and not dedicated to godly education who put a great deal of pressure on him to conform to family expectations. One of our family members is married into this situation. She is one of the most diligent, giving, cheerful, focused women you will ever find... never gossips, does not watch TV or waste her time online or playing games, teaches her children to have fun and be organised, is consistently cheerful and puts her husband first; so far her husband has allowed her to continue homeschooling, but it almost broke her heart to even hear him suggest that the children could be put into public school, as she is doing her very best, and him suggesting public school made her feel like her best wasn't enough, that she would never really be good enough. He thought that sending the children to public school would relieve her of some of her burden (she was very ill), but by making her feel that he was not totally supportive of her efforts it did the opposite.
Precisely.
My husband was against homeschooling when we had our first 2 in public school before I was a follower of Jesus. He was complaining though of their homework being in the way of his time with them. I had no plans to homeschool at the time, hadn’t even heard of it until our oldest was in 3rd grade. So I tried to get them to do their homework after school or in the morning, but they were too tired. Then I met a mom at church who homeschooled, the only one, and with her encouragement & ideas, and my husband watching me get ready during the next year, our oldest finished 4th grade, 2nd finished 1st, and he’s been very happy with the kids new freedom to be available when he is and learn many skills they wouldn’t have time for if in school. I suggest that wife also tell him how his time with them will be greatly hindered by the public school schedule. That was our #1 reason for even considering homeschooling. Many many other benefits too, but even if time with Dad was the only reason, it is enough. I suspect that most family breakups happen largely because Dad isn’t bonded enough with the children, so doesn’t have much of a problem living elsewhere. My husband was not a natural father. I had to work hard to make sure they were well bonded. I figured bonding problems was the reason my Dad left us 4 kids. In 2007 when my husband wanted to divorce me, he wouldn’t leave the kids, neither would I, so I asked God for help, and we reconciled, now he’s excited about our new unconditional love for each other that came from God. It’s fun to be a conduit of Jesus love. I took up food gardening that greatly impressed my husband with my tasty productivity. I even grow food in our basement! He had wanted me to get a job before I got into gardening. I do sell some food & seedlings & maple syrup, & give much away, but it’s mostly for us. We’re building a 2nd greenhouse very soon. I got the kids into food & landscape gardening too, including poultry meat & eggs which we also sell some of. The bantam chickens are for a ministry of inspiring city peopke to want to live in a safe neighborhood where they can have chickens & food garden too, and learn that the chicken came first! Genesis 1, lol
There are other possibilities. We have friends who used to homeschool, but now the kids go to school (some public, some private) and the mom is in school, and it was a great decision for their family. One of their reasons was that well, what is the mom going to do once the children are grown? It can be hard for a mom, especially a smart mom to re-enter the workforce once her children are grown. She finished one degree and I believe is going on to med school. I, on the other hand, dropped out of graduate school (in good standing) in order to take care of a child with special needs who would have had a terrible time in a school. Sometimes my husband wants to send them to school simply because he wants a house that doesn't look lived in, even though we clean every day. That would be a terrible disservice to our children who are very far ahead of children their own age in school, in a district that does not allow grade-skipping. And we will face the issue of finding suitable employment for me once the children are grown.
When circumstances became such that putting our boys in school was a necessity (it was complicated—don’t ask) for a few months, my husband was ready to choose public school. But I determined that if homeschooling wasn’t an option, it would have to be church school. But how to afford the extra money? Turns out God has provided! First it was overtime for my husband, then a new, higher-paying job. Then it was cleaning jobs for me. When one dropped, another opened up. We have always found a way to pay the school bill each month, and the small classes and dedicated Christian teachers have sparked my boys’ love of learning (both were ambivalent about learning before).
Long story short: God will show you what to do and will provide a way to preserve your children from the influences of public school. We are planning on going back to homeschool next year, and my daughter has continued throughout this time. I just want to encourage you! Make God’s will primary, and He will bless.
When my husband and I got married 3 years ago, from the beginning I wanted to homeschool his children (he had 4 boys from his 1st marriage that he was raising alone). My husband had many reservations, and so I dropped the subject and left it alone, except in prayer. Well, the boys remained in public school for 2 more years, and through that time, the Lord intervened to change my husband's mind. The Holy Ghost didn't need my help. After a couple years, my husband brought it up to me and we discussed it. Then he decided not to count the cost, pull the boys out, and let me stay home and homeschool. It's been a year this month, and the results have been amazing. But I think I would have ruined all that God was doing if I had usurped my husband's authority and tried to force the issue 3 years ago.
Yes, it's true that some husbands might feel that their wife is unfulfilled and is concerned about her well being and the well being of his children. It is certainly possible for this woman to be married to this type of man. In that case, she should be able to speak her heart's desires to him and of course he would respond if he knew how important it was to her (assuming she is capable of being a strong stay-at-home, work-at-home mother - - most definitely a bigger challenge than going to work!). It sounds like she really believes that homeschooling is the best for her and the children. Loving your "job" as a mom is a great first step in being a good mother and teacher. The second step is knowing (or growing in the knowledge) that you're capable of performing this task by leaning on Christ!
Unfortunately, some men... even pastors, deacons, and men who profess to believe... simply want complete control over their wives (think: "put the kids in school, don't have friends or a job so your world can revolve around me"). Then, there are some men who want their wives to make as much money as possible to aleviate their fear of being the sole provider should they choose to leave the marriage (think: "if she makes enough money then I won't have to pay support"). Men like this are making evil plans under the guise of family headship and will even make sure the woman has no friends or support from their church as he plans his exit from the marriage.
We do not have a spirit of fear but instead are called to be gentle as doves and wise as serpents. My sincere prayer is that none of my sisters have to go through what I went through. Indeed, many of my sisters in Christ have had similar experiences (including a friend who is a wife of deacon). Pretending this doesn't happen in the church and assuming the man always has the best interest of the family is part of the problem. Don't be so easily fooled! A submissive wife is awesome when she is submitting to a righteous man who appreciates his Proverbs 31 hard-working wife and wants her to be a part of his decision-making for their family.
With love from a divorced (not by choice), home-schooling, work-from-home, mother to many littles and also a small business owner. Posts like this helped me while going through the last few years so I hope you post this.
So true, Debi, my husband initially didn't want me to homeschool so we waited an extra year to take the first 2 kids out of public school. But what was different about our family is that we hadn't even HEARD of homeschooling until our oldest was in 3rd grade, and he was complaining that he didn't get enough time with the kids because of their homework. I couldn't seem to get them to get it done after school before he came home from work, or in the morning before school after he left for work (before they woke up). We had 2 younger children as well. He had already seen me teach our oldest how to read very well by 5 years old before she started Kindergarten. I was just having fun with my baby doll! I used to teach my little brother math, which he still remembers at 40. I wasn't a good homemaker though, so he had me wait a year to get into a better routine. So our main motivation for even discovering homeschooling as an option for children over 5 was their fun time with Daddy. Bcz we were both from broken homes, closeness with the kids was the #1 after keeping our marriage together (not easy, until we really got a handle on Ephesians 5, permanent commitment & mutual respect, yet me being 2nd in command instead of trying to force equality of authority. I had to learn to not be emotional about the kids' misbehaviors too, which made him so stressed. I had to learn to let him be somewhat permissive rather than try to make him correct them consistently like a NGJ father. I even stopped going to church & reading so much about how Christians are supposed to raise their children, bcz it was making me judge my husband and feeling disappointed in him for not doing the advice he said he admired. I had to learn to let go of poor budgeting habits too, and just treat him like he's awesome, and when I think about it, he's plenty awesome and at least more than I deserve, if it's true that all I deserve is Hell for Eternity. It's easier to be happy enough with ANY husband a wife thinks about it in Eternal perspective. Fairness is no longer my main concern regarding my husband like it used to be relentlessly, almost causing a breakup in 2007. Then I asked God for help, and His love to give to my husband, and of course that got me a YES! answer, and now my husband loves the Bible too and what it has done for our family. I grow lots of food for us to eat & sell, and learn about politics and economics with the kids from YouTube videos and online articles and books, & we just bought 2 rental properties (my idea) as part of what impresses him about my productivity. The kids may use/buy the next door one from us (11 acres, I'll farm the back), and my disabled Dad will rent the one 2 miles up the street in town that will greatly increase our socializing too and more family business opportunities, a great project property for remodeling & car projects for our son turning 13 very soon, to bond with Grandpa finally and learn many things & keep VERY busy with good things during the teen years. He wants to maybe buy the house from us when he's 18. He's eager to work at Dad's machine shop at 16 to become a machinist, super secure industry since they're perpetually short workers the last 40+ years (thanks to government school system failures and too-high apprenticeship age which I am also working on changing the law...plenty safe for 11+ year olds working part-time at Dad's shop). I also got a very part-time job 2 years ago that still lets me homeschool just fine, and the kids can come along, and also just applied for another part-time job to help pay for the interest expenses/repairs on the rental homes. Our son will be working with me there at this farm. The girls will get to work at Dad's machine shop. We try to choose family togetherness jobs, since that is the main goal of our homeschool, academics taking 2nd place. Long story short.....your advice seeker should focus on convincing him of how homeschooling helps the father/child relationship, as well as her energy level for being sexy for her husband. My husband personally likes me well-rested for when he's home, lol, especially helping him get ready for work at 4:30 am. I sure enjoy helping him have a great start to his day. Not as possible if I was up late studying for college. I'll do that when our kids are all graduated from homeschool.
May I encourage you to really pray and seek God about homeschooling and to pray for your husband. Seek Gods Will in this situation. Gods will maybe for you to homeschool and if that is the case then He(not you?) will change your husbands heart. At the same time if it is not His will for you to homeschool than God will change your heart. Trust God lean on Him, Pray! Ask God for wisdom and He will give it to you!! Keep respecting your Husband and letting him fulfill his role as leader of your family. Let God grow you and your family through this.
God Bless!