Jumped Ship-part 5

By: Michael Pearl

What to do when you have a child who has jumped ship.

Children are divorcing their parents —leaving home before their time, rejecting authority, and turning their backs on their parent’s culture.  We have been calling it “jumping ship.” Divorce is more accurate. Divorce produces self-doubt on the one hand, and blame on the other. Blame usually prevails. It’s more comfortable.
You had no idea that it would come to this. When your son was about ten years old, you noticed that he didn’t seem to enjoy your presence. You were a source of irritation. It was as if he wanted to say something but would never come out with it. He turned away in frustration and sought friendship outside the home. Occasionally he would explode in anger, of all things, blaming you. You remember him blurting out, “You don’t understand!” It carried a tone of accusation. It may have gotten to the point where he accused you of not caring. You hoped it was just a stage that he would grow out of, but he sunk deeper into his aloneness. Then one day, when he was old enough and had the resources, he just left. There was anger; words thrown around like bullets; bombs of accusation were dropped; it turned into a word war of vengeance, all the time not believing that it could actually happen. But it did. And you knew failure like you have never known it before. I have known parents who, upon losing their first child, just gave up on the whole family, and they all fragmented and broke up like an airplane that had lost its wings.
We are here to talk about what to do if your kid has jumped ship. How should you respond? Is it too late? Is all lost, or is there still hope, still a way? In every human conflict, two thirds of a correct response amounts to not doing what you shouldn’t. If we humans could just turn off and shut down—do nothing—we would be two thirds of the way to recovery. Your mouth is what dug the pit in the first place, and it is your mouth that will throw vile dirt into the face of your estranged child. If you don’t bridle your tongue, your religion is vain (James 1:26), for the tongue is a fire that is set on fire by hell itself (James 3:5-6). The same mouth cannot praise God at church and curse your son at home (James 3:10).
There is nothing that more readily induces us to anger than having our failures talk back to us. Let’s face it. It is your own loss that causes you anger—loss of peace, loss of control, loss of prestige and respect, loss of your “perfect” life. “How could you do this TO ME after all I have done for you?” Blame.
As sinners, we tend to respond to criticism and rejection with anger. We take it as an attack upon our undeserving person. Fight back! Stand up for our rights. SMASH! You hurt me, I hurt you more. You will be sorry! You will come back crawling and begging for forgiveness. “I, his majesty, await your humble apology, and then perhaps my wrath will be appeased.” Hell hath enlarged itself. Just knowing we are humans—sons of Adam—ought to humble us. Pride is the fuel of hell’s fire, and each of us is an unlimited source of combustion.
It is the kid’s fault, right? Beware of blame. It is the first refuge of the guilty. Blame is the end of creativity. It is a dead end road, traveled only for the dark and lonely pleasure it gives. When you blame, you surrender hope of changing things, for you lay all the responsibility upon a moral agent over whom you admittedly have no control. Blame affords the opportunity to play God for a little while—a one sided god who sits to judge without mercy. Satan loves the spirit of blame. It comes in a dark cloud that permits no mercy and refuses insight. Blame is tunnel vision that excludes any positive perspective and magnifies fault to the criminal level. Blame is the way to cook down disappointment until it turns to thick hate. Blame is the solace of devils and their finishing touch on all sin and human failure. To go there is to return with nothing but bitterness and the satisfaction of knowing it was “not your fault.” But the end is the same, no matter whose fault it was.
It happened on your watch. Your kid didn’t come into the world emotionally broken and angry. So far, all I have done is inform you that all your responses have exacerbated the problem. This has not been to punish you, but to make you stop. Your first step to recovery must be to get your own heart right with God. I want you to stop digging the pit deeper. I have been functioning as a prophet, calling you to repentance. It is the only starting place.
You must become what you want your child to become if you would bring him to repentance. You must become a person of joy, peace, and love. You must know God and love him. You must be disciplined and holy in your own personal life. You must tend to your marriage so that it becomes the envy of all who know you well.