Living Parallel Lives in the Same Space
"We appear to be on track in every way, and very "together." But those on the outside do not see, as I do, the missing component in our parent-child relationships." - From a reader
Dear Pearls,
I have been reading and applying Pearl wisdom for about 4 years now and have enjoyed some real benefits. But, there is still just one problem. As you so often warn, we have no joy. There are glimpses of it here and there, but more often I see a lack of connection with my children. We play by all the rules of what a “good” family would be like. We appear to be on track in every way, and very “together.” We are often complimented on the way we have raised our kids. But those on the outside do not see, as I do, the missing component in our parent-child relationships.
I have a strong bond with my husband, but he and I both feel the lack of intimacy with our kids. It is as if we are standing on opposite sides of a river from them and are desperately looking across and longing to be together. I can see the kids’ desire for unity with us, too. It breaks our hearts! We have prayed, listened to your materials, and read lots of your stuff, but are at a loss to know how to “tie strings” with them. When I try to bond with them, I sense an unnatural feeling in my spirit. They look at me as though my wanting to love them is a weakness, and they try to sabotage my efforts.
I know I have shortcomings when it comes to possessing and exhibiting a joyful attitude. It seems I am constantly trying to be joyful, but I am just not accustomed to it…I grew up in a rough home with little security and almost no connection with people. I came to know Jesus at 10 years of age by the faithful witness of a lovely woman in our neighborhood. HE became a solace for me, a quiet protection from my dangerous surroundings. I fear that I have learned to keep all of my joy safely stored away inside. Or, even worse, I have mistrusted my joy and denied it a place in my life. I am somehow missing the solution to break free from what is holding me captive and stealing the joy of my family.
A Reader
Michael Answers
This lady and her husband had the wisdom to see the whole picture and come to the painful and accurate conclusion that there is more to child training than producing well-mannered, “Yes, sir, No, sir, Please pass the gravy” kids. Many families are chugging along, impressing the folks at church—and themselves—having no idea that they are raising disconnected young souls. It is possible to train the outward performance to perfection and still not reach the heart of the child.
This mother expressed it well when she said, “It is as if we are standing on opposite sides of a river from them, and are looking across and desperately longing to be together.” In seminars this past summer, I called this “living parallel lives in the same space.” Parents and children share a house, but live separate lives—with separate activities, separate entertainment, separate work, and separate goals. Parents confine their children, constrain their children, and control their children, but fail to fellowship with them.
