Men Only, Not Boys
My wife read “Created To Be His Help Meet”, but it did not change her or our marriage.
She has absolutely no respect for me, is very rebellious toward me, and outwardly refuses to obey me in nearly every manner possible. She does not acknowledge that I have any authority over her. I have told her that she needs to obey me and leave it up to God to deal with me if I am wrong. I am heartbroken. I have been unable to make her happy in nearly everything for years. I feel that she needs a serious trial to bring her to her senses. I want God to do this, but… We have been married nearly 30 years. I don’t want a divorce, but I do want her to be my true Help Meet.
Michael Answers:
Dear Heartbroken,
Why should your wife have respect for you when you don’t have respect for yourself? You sound like a 13-year-old boy, whining because his six-year-old sister won’t treat him with respect. Did this wife, with hair on her chest, crush the man in you, or did you bring your insecurity to the marriage? It really doesn’t matter how you answer; the cure is the same.
I cannot tell you how to MAKE your wife lovely. I can tell you how you should conduct yourself as a man and a husband, which MAY result in her becoming a worthy help meet. Even God is unable to change men and women who will not cooperate. However, there is hope. There is a way that offers great promise for the redemption of your marriage. But first you must obtain for yourself that which is readily available to make you the husband and MAN you need to be.
Hear what I say: You cannot decisively change your wife, but you can change yourself so that you do not suffer so. And change you must, if there is going to be any joy in your life. In time, perhaps the change in you will provide fertile ground for a change in her, resulting in a heavenly marriage rather than a hellish home.
UNDERSTAND YOURSELF
If you are to change for the better, you must first understand yourself. Until one hates what he is, not what others are, he cannot change himself into something better. If a traveler strays from his path and gets lost, he must first locate where he is on the map in order to correct his course and navigate back to his desired destination.
No marriage has improved by one person getting concerned about changing the other. Those on the outside can see what you cannot. You think your wife is the cause of your unhappiness. Not so. I must do surgery on your self-perception before I can give you the cure. So bite the bullet, and hold still. This may hurt a little.
You have made yourself dependent. In your struggle to be recognized as the head of the relationship, you have actually consigned yourself to a secondary role. Like many people—husbands and wives, teenagers and children—you look to others to make you happy and meet your needs. And when they don’t come through for you, you grow weaker and more dependent. You will disagree with my evaluation, for your anger and aggression make you think you are strong, but those emotions are a further expression of your crippling dependence.
