Low Self-esteem

By: Michael Pearl

Dear Pearls: I have a problem that maybe you could answer. We have two boys, ages 11 and 13.

I have made some wrong choices with the thirteen-year-old. He has a very low self-esteem. I want to change my ways with him, if possible. My problem is this: I gave him instructions not to wear his old shoes any more, for they were not good for his feet. But he slipped them on anyway. He would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for the younger brother saying, "You’re not supposed to wear them." I was in the next room and heard the remark. I went in and scolded my older son for his disobedience. Am I making his self-esteem worse by scolding him when the younger reinforces my command? I find this situation happening a lot. Is the younger at fault also? Could you give me advice on this situation? My older boy with the low self-esteem is the source of the problem, and I feel I have caused it. When he was young we decided to homeschool. I started him in a preschool program at age five. I tried to teach him to read from about age 6 up. He did not do well and I was always frustrated and angry with him. Sometimes I would lash out at him with my hand. I now know how very wrong I was, and I am sorry I started him so early and sorry I responded as I did. Now he has no desire for school. My relationship with him is not the greatest. He has a love for flowers, and I am trying to tie strings with him in that area. My younger son always seems to "out do" him in obedience and schoolwork. I need help and advice if possible.

Love in Christ, A Mother

Michael Pearl Answers

You have confessed that you erred in demanding too much of your son too early, and now that the damage is obvious you would like to undo the harm. Your conclusion is that your son now thinks of himself as inferior. The example you gave concerning the worn out shoes—hardly significant in itself—is no doubt just representative of many similar conflicts.

You have been brave and honest in seeing your error, and you are humble enough to seek a solution. It is quite apparent that you love your children and are willing to change yourself to help them. You are half way there. Now that is the last positive thing I will say for a few paragraphs, so bite down and hold on; this is going to hurt just a little—maybe a lot. I address this not only to you but to the thousands of other mothers who are right where you are.

To be sure, your son’s condition is serious, but it is readily mendable. The big problem is not the mechanics of your son’s condition; it is the state of your own mind and heart.