Sibling Squabbles
Children attempt to control their environment, which means the people around them, through pity or threat.
Most children come to rely on one approach more than the other. One child will display anger and threat while another just looks broken and hurt. Though the angry child appears to be the most aggressive and intolerable, the two approaches are equally selfish and equally repugnant. The one will grow up trying to settle all personal relationships in an explosive manner; the other will grow up to whimper and have “tender feelings.” Of course, some of us have grown up to become versatile, employing combinations of anger and emotional manipulation. Regardless of whether the lever is anger or pity, the end is the same: to get one’s own way, to be gratified in the senses, take what the other has. It is the lazy, selfish, self-centered approach to life.
The self-centered child is marked by constant conflict. I repeat: The self-centered child or adult is marked by constant conflict – self-centered children, self-centered teenagers, self-centered mothers and fathers, self-centered preachers and churches, etc.. Conflict is a clashing of interests – a difference of opinion as to who should be placed first, who should be most highly regarded. Children all want to be first. They want the most, the best; they want it now. At what age do they grow out of this? Somewhere around seventy or eighty, when their flesh dies. Nothing can stop it other than the sanctifying work of Christ; though early training can awaken the conscience to such a high state and discipline the soul to such a degree as to cause the child to grow into adulthood functioning in a most gracious and saintly manner. If you are the primary caretaker of a young child, you have the power, with the grace of God, to mold an eternal soul into the beauty of holiness.
What do you do with kids who just can’t get along, who fuss and fight all the time? The atmosphere is punctuated with, “Stop!” “No!” “Give it to me.” “Maaamaaa.” To exacerbate the problem, most parents take the side of the younger child, or of the girl, who is usually perceived as weak. Parents feel compelled to rush to the defense of the one who appears helpless, the one whose selfishness is manifested in hurt feelings and a persecution complex. The other child appears aggressive, but in reality they are both aggressively using their best weapons to get their own ways. It is a mistake to interpret conflict as aggressor and victim. Occasionally that is the case, but not usually.
Children are as smart as they are selfish. The ones who don’t have the personality or brawn to rule through intimidation will soon discover the power of playing the victim, thus eliciting parental power in gaining an advantage over their more explosive brothers and sisters. If the parents are blind to this ploy and are always intervening on behalf of the “victim” they will increase the tension, making a solution impossible. The one playing the victim and manipulating parents into running defense will just become more selfish; and the aggressor will become more and more angry as he or she feels the injustice. I see some families where the parents treat all their children as victims of the outside world. Everyone is an aggressor, treating their children unfairly. The parents constantly run interference to see that their children are not mistreated. Talk about conflict! Families with this persecution complex are constantly on edge.
