Child Training Marathon
Deb and I were teaching several seminars in a one-hundred-mile radius. One family requested that we stay with them the entire week and critique their child training.
It was a busy, trying time for them, preparing meals and hauling us around from town to town, with meetings every night and sometimes all day. On top of all that, they assured us of their desire that we be diligent to tell them any and every thing we saw in them or their children that could be improved. If an occasion arose and we didn’t speak out, they brought it to our attention and asked how and what should be done. This family meant business.
When we arrived, we assumed they must be having problems with their teenagers, since parents usually don’t panic until they have a teenager making their lives miserable, but that was not the case. By today’s Christian standards, they had a well ordered home. Their oldest child, a boy of about seventeen, was a real joy to his parents. But as the children got younger, there was a definite deterioration in their attitude and self-control.
I am not sure why this is sometimes the case. Often parents seem to tire of the rigors of teaching and discipline and begin to slack off with their younger ones. Or perhaps when the older children are turning out all right, parents ease up on their vigilance, taking their success for granted. And then, family values often change as economic success interrupts family unity. And of course, when a marriage slowly erodes, the younger children will not be rooted in the same loving, secure environment, as were the first ones.
This family had applied the teaching of our first book, and saw great improvement. But their six-year-old boy occasionally went into a rage when things didn’t go his way. He was a very good psychologist. When angry, he would express his hurt feelings in a way that caused the parents to feel guilt, evoking just enough doubt and insecurity to keep them from being tough. Being cautious to deal with his “touchy” emotional state, they resorted to pleading and reason, explaining how “they really did love him” and how “he was not a bad person.”
I watched the boy commit an offense, throw a fit when corrected, and then end up lecturing his parents on how mistreated he was. “You don’t love me like the others. You think I am dumb. Why am I always the one to blame?” It all settled down with the parents apologizing and the kid stomping off to brood until the parents expressed proper contrition. Amazing! Brilliant—in a wicked sort of way.
Now I am well aware of the many things parents can do to cause children insecurity and hurt. But I will save that for another day. We still have a selfish manipulative brat ruling the house and pushing his parents around by means of a festering guilt trip.
This little boy had found his parents’ weakness and capitalized on it. Mom and Dad occasionally expressed just enough anger and resentment to cause them self-doubt. Sensing their lack of confidence, the boy found ways to further deepen their guilt. He knew just what to say to cause them pain. Did he have a legitimate basis for accusing his parents of being unworthy to be his head? In some cases, as is probably true with nearly all parents, yes. The parents sensed their moral inadequacy. Granted, if they had maintained clear consciences, his manipulations would have fallen flat. It was their humble sensitiveness to their own failures that caused them to relinquish the moral authority of the family to this six-year-old tyrant. It reminds us of how the coming of the law increases sin (Rom. 7).Now the obvious solution is to tell parents to instantly become wise and discerning. If all parents were ideal Christians, no shortcomings, no hang-ups, nothing to cause guilt, then they would always have the moral strength to withstand manipulation. Christian maturity is normal, but the fact is that in most cases it doesn’t come until the children are grown. Should parents wait until they are sufficiently mature and worthy before assuming command. If so, it may then be too late for the child.
